Human behaviour is often judged at face value. We label actions as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ ‘appropriate’ or ‘inappropriate,’ ‘compliant’ or ‘defiant.’ Yet at its core, behaviour reflects much more than this – it can be a visible expression of internal states, unmet needs, learned survival strategies, and relational experiences. When individuals lack the language, safety, or capacity to articulate their emotions, their behaviour becomes their voice.
Understanding behaviour as communication fundamentally shifts how we respond to children and adults alike. Instead of asking, “What is wrong with you?” we begin to ask, “What happened to you?” and “What are you trying to tell me?” This perspective is especially vital when working with individuals impacted by trauma, adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and relational neglect, where behaviour often reflects survival rather than choice.
The psychological foundations of behaviour as communication
From infancy, humans communicate long before they speak. Babies cry, arch their backs, avert their gaze, or cling tightly. We don’t label these signals as manipulative, but instead recognise these as biological signals designed to elicit care. For many individuals under significant stress, behaviour remains the primary mode of expression, long after they develop language skills.
When a person feels safe, regulated, and understood, verbal communication flourishes. But when safety is compromised, the brain prioritises survival over articulation. In these moments, behaviour becomes the language of the nervous system.
The role of the nervous system
Behaviour is deeply tied to the autonomic nervous system. Individuals shift between states of safety, fight-or-flight, and shutdown depending on perceived threat.
When regulated, behaviour is flexible, language is accessible and emotions are tolerable. When dysregulated, this changes. Behaviour becomes reactive or withdrawn, language may be limited or inaccessible and the body communicates distress through action.
A child who runs from the classroom, a teenager who explodes in anger, or an adult who emotionally shuts down is not ‘choosing’ misbehaviour in the conventional sense. Their nervous system is communicating feelings of overwhelm or a lack of safety, and an inability to cope with these feelings.
Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and behaviour
ACEs are traumatic events or situations experienced in childhood, including things like extreme household dysfunction and emotional, physical or sexual abuse. They offer a framework for thinking about the impact of childhood experiences on health and wellbeing outcomes, both immediately and throughout the individual’s life.
Research has consistently shown that individuals with higher ACE scores – higher levels of exposure to traumatic events and experiences – are at increased risk of mental health difficulties, chronic illness, substance misuse and relational challenges later in life.
Crucially, ACEs also shape behaviour. Children growing up in unpredictable or unsafe environments learn to adapt in ways that maximise survival. What looks like ‘problem behaviours’ are often learned strategies rooted in self-preservation.
For most people, exposure to a stressful situation triggers a ‘fight, flight or freeze’ response which will naturally subside as the stressful situation passes. However, when repeatedly exposed to ACEs, a young person’s brain continuously produces the hormones linked to this ‘fight, flight or freeze’ trigger, putting them in a heightened state of alert. This can lead to situations where a minor classroom or household conflict can result in a major, seemingly ‘disproportionate’ meltdown.
Understanding this link with traumatic experiences is an important step towards unpacking behaviour often labeled as defiant, aggressive, or attention seeking. Children exposed to ACEs may have had experiences where they didn’t have healthy relationships with the adults in their lives, where they lacked control or autonomy, or where violence was normalised. Punishing the ‘defiant,’ ‘aggressive’ or ‘attention-seeking’ behaviour without recognising why the child’s actions have manifested in this way will do nothing to resolve these issues in the long term, and can exacerbate the child’s instincts of self-preservation and defensiveness.
Emotionally available adults: The missing protective factor
While ACEs increase risk, emotionally available adults are one of the most powerful protective factors against the long-term effects of trauma. An emotionally available adult is someone who is consistently present, emotionally responsive, curious rather than judgmental, regulated in their own nervous system and willing to see behaviour as meaningful. Importantly, this does not require perfection. It requires repair, attunement, and safety.
Emotionally available adults do not ask, ‘How do I stop this behaviour?’ first. They ask, ‘what need is being expressed here?’
As a counterpoint to ACEs, when children experience emotional availability from trusted adults, we often see a marked improvement in their emotional literacy and nervous system regulation. As safety increases, behaviour becomes more flexible, and children learn to communicate feelings through means other than the self-preserving behaviours relied on in the past.
Rethinking our responses
Punitive approaches to ‘bad’ behaviour assume that this behaviour is a choice made in a calm, rational state. Trauma-informed science shows this is often false, as punishment without understanding will increase shame, reinforce fear-based behaviours, damage trust built and fails to teach alternative skills.
This does not mean boundaries are unnecessary. On the contrary, clear, consistent boundaries delivered with emotional attunement are essential. Safety and accountability can co-exist with compassion.
A trauma-informed approach to behaviour involves three key questions:
1. What is the behaviour communicating?
2. What happened to shape this response?
3. What support is needed for regulation and safety?
In practice, this involves – and requires – the adult staying regulated during escalation. Co-regulation is a key part of a trauma-informed approach as it recognises that the child does not have all the tools they need to self-regulate on their own, particularly if they are in a heightened state of distress. In addition, a trauma-informed response may involve identifying and naming emotions before attempting to correct behaviour, offering choices to restore agency, and putting time and effort into restorative post-conflict conversations.
These responses require emotionally available adults who can tolerate discomfort without withdrawing or retaliating. As these healthy responses become more normalised, children will feel understood and supported rather than controlled, and can help rebuild the trust that was broken down by ACEs.
Conclusion: Behaviour is the language of unmet needs
Behaviour speaks when words cannot. It tells stories of safety and danger, connection and abandonment, regulation and overwhelm. ACEs shape behaviour by teaching survival in the absence of safety, while emotionally available adults offer a corrective experience – one that transforms behaviour by meeting the need beneath it.
To truly address behaviour, we must listen with curiosity, respond with empathy, and remain emotionally present even when it is hard. The question is no longer, ‘How do we stop the behaviour?’ It becomes, ‘what is this behaviour asking for – and are we willing to listen?’
About the author
Matthew Mackay
KS2 Teacher and Lead for Trauma-Informed Practice / Wilds Lodge School
Matthew Mackay is a KS2 Teacher and Lead for Trauma-Informed Practice at Wilds Lodge School. He holds an NPQLBC qualification and is a certified Trauma-Informed and Mental Health Practitioner. Championing a relational approach, Matthew is dedicated to building safe, trusting relationships that help young people feel seen, heard and understood.
